The Huggy Phase

This is definitely my favorite phase so far. The agreeable phase was nice (when the answer to everything, including "what color is that?" was "Yeeeessss"). The first words stage was lovely. The 'du-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum' (sound of him crawling down the hallway) stage was terribly cute.

The no-you-CAN'T-change-my-diaper stage was exasperating, though it was interesting to watch him really start to have an opinion. The HOOP! Ball! Hoop! stage will probably never end, judging by his daddy. The baby-lump stage was, despite the sleep deprivation, the easiest in many ways.

But his new thing is hugging. He wants to snuggle in for hugs on my shoulder, and he asks for it by name. Sometimes I know it's coming, but a lot of the time it just pops into his head that he wants a hug, and he yells "HUG!" and comes running. I find it physically impossible to deny him. Not that I try very hard.

It's also his first joke. I come home, and he is sssooo excited to see me. He talks to me through the window and points to the front door, telling me where to come in. And some days, he comes running around the couch to get to me, arms outstretched for lovies. Which he gets.

But lately, he says 'hiiiiiii' and continues playing. I ask for hugs, and he actually says no! So I say, "OK, then Mamma is going over here," and I take approximately 1.433 steps, when I hear

HHUUUUUUGS! HUG HUG!

I think he is being funny - saying the opposite of what he means, when we all know what he really wants.

Totally my favorite phase ever. At least until the next one comes.

Pump˚in had his first 3 syllable word yesterday - strawberry! They are coming ripe early in my yard this year, due to the strange weather we have had. We have already had a few yummy ones, and the plants are going gangbusters here in their second year.

He also SANG for the first time! I am talking real singing too. We have a ˚ids CD by Laurie Ber˚ner, who we both love, and when Froggie Went a Courtin' came on, he started singing "uh-huh, uh-huh" which are actual lyrics to part of the chorus :-)

I choose to view this as very clear evidence that he is brilliant, with a natural gift for music. Don't even try to reason with me.

Btw - do you see what is going on in the previous paragraphs with the old crazy button? Sometimes the letter shows up, sometimes it won't. It's li˚e even my laptop is whining for summer to start.

Lastly, for tonight, I looooved the heavy rain today. It smelled so yummy!

A post without the letter k

So I always feel tired this time of year. I'm not sure why. The sun is shining, the flowers are beautiful, my raised garden beds are starting to sprout (I built them with my own hands this spring! so proud of myself!).

I search way down to the depths of my (not very deep) soul, and see the answer to my blahs. The year, no matter how good or bad, has just gotten long. I pine for summer, and a real vacation. The students pine for release from me, the chairs pine for release from student butts, even the computers pine for release from our fingers.

As evidenced by the fact that my school laptop has suddenly started to reject the letter between J and L. Sometimes it says 'yeah, sure. I guess you need that letter' but other times it says "Ha! Loser! Try again...Ha! Fooled you! Guess you better get out that thesaurus, 'cuz it's not happening."

Whatever. It's a lame letter anyway. I wrote 2 handouts and this whole post without one.

Gardening

Spent Pumpkin's nap today outside - mostly weeding. The strawberries out front are going gangbusters, and I had to do some (a LOT) of pre-emptive weeding out of bloomed out hyacinth and weird jurrasic looking reed things, so that they have room to grow yummy. The hubby is taking out a couple bushes that line the back of the house (we may put in pavers this summer, and turn our tiny patio into a big patio!), so the debris bin was already full before I started.

Which is my favorite way to start, because I have a really good excuse to stop any old time I want.

I also went to Jerry's (dear lord, I love that store) and got advice on removing old concrete plugs from where the fence used to be, checked out sledgehammers and chicken wire, and bought two packs of little blank garden-bed labels for my raised beds that are starting to sprout.

I actually was smart enough to write a little schematic of where I had planted what, so it's not like I need them to tell the lettuce apart from the tomato or anything. But I filled the beds in with soil from my monstrously large mulch pile (3 big raised beds only took about 2/3 of the pile), which has sat un-turned and un-taken care of since the squirrels only know when, so there are a butt-load of weeds in it. I scraped off the top layer before digging, but I am pretty sure that most of the little sprouts I see in the beds right now are weeds, not veggies or herbs. Pretty sure I say, because a tiny two-leaf sprout looks like a tiny two-leaf sprout, and how am I supposed to know which will turn into carrots and which will turn into stinkweed?

So, me being brilliant in my own mind, and an OK drawer, I looked up pictures of seedlings of all the things I planted, and drew them in sharpie on the back of all the labels, so I can weed out the bad and recognize the good! As soon as they get a little bit bigger, of course.

I also was feeling motivated, so I did all the kitchen work for Ahiru, mowed, blew the tree debris from the rock garden, spot-shotted the hairball spots on the carpet, and now am waiting for the laundry. Mostly because I am monumentally unmotivated to write this week's lesson plans.

I have a general idea of what I will do. That's good enough for goverment work - right? I find it HILARIOUS that I am payed by taxpayers, so that actually applies to my work. hehehehe.

Why I Love Middle Schoolers

They call youngish teachers 'miss' and older teachers 'mrs,' no matter how carefully you explain your marital status

They draw me things, like hearts, gophers, bunnies, and fire-spewing slugs.

If you tell them you are awesome, they will believe you. Without any further proof!

They copy my fashion statements, maybe without really knowing where they saw it (I think I am being confused with Vogue!!!)

They write novels in their spare time.

They will do pretty much anything you ask, so long as they are promised a cookie.

They try so hard to flirt with each other, but are soooooo bad at it.

Their voices crack at embarrassing moments.

They are so enthusiastic about absolutely everything.

They are physically incapable of going a full day without gossiping.

They still want to hug their teachers.

They try really really hard to be good when the teacher isn't feeling well. Even the 'bad' ones.

They have no idea how embarrassing their current fashion statements are going to be in few years time ;-)

random angst

"couch"

"You want up on the couch?"

"Yeeeeesssss"

I am unable to get over how adorable Pumpkin is. Everything he says, is cute. Even when he is screaming and arching his back on the floor to avoid the dreaded diaper change, he is beautiful. How did I get so whipped?

In related news, when does summer get here? Spring keeps teasing me - sure Steph, come on out and work in the yard. It will make you feel better. I PROMISE not to get you wet (sneaky laugh).

I want new shoes. I want to sleep in with my baby every morning. I want a reason to paint my toenails!

In not-so related news, Hubby and I are trying hard to get our groove back - we never used to get on each others cases (and last nerves) like we have been this winter. Counseling is helping some. His new meds are helping some. New work stresses aren't helping so much.

That's right folks, someone gets the butt-end of the staffing changes again this year! On the bright side, I get to keep my job, and I get to stay at my (challenging)awesome(challenging) school, and my new teaching partners is a lady I adore. On the occluded side, I was one of three who got shafted last year, and I am one of two this year - but I am the only repeat.

My take on all this depends on my stress level. When I am feeling chill, I figure it's because I am known to be pretty flexible, and willing to get things done. When the girl drama and lack of HW completion get to me, I start to figure it's because maybe I'm not as good as the other teachers, so they don't mind moving me around.

And lastly, on an equally angsty note, I would like to tell the void how much I hate being asked to talk to authority figures. I ALWAYS have this panic moment, thinking 'omg, I'm in trouble, what did I do? Am I gonna get fired? Arrested? Are they going to make me cry?' Even though my head knows I have been working hard and doing a decent job and waiting for the walk signal. Just one of those little things that reminds me I'm just as crazy as everyone else.

moaning from us both.

Hmmmm,
the stress level in my fat little head is crazy right now. I have no idea if things are going to get better, or worse, or stay the same (really hard) as they are now. But the odds on 'better' wouldn't convince me to lay any money down.

This SUCKS because it's not something any of us did wrong. Hubby is a wonderful man, but Parkinson's doesn't care if you deserve it. The Pumpkin is an amazing little guy, but I worry that he will grow up seeing his daddy deteriorate and his parents get more and more stressed and angry all the time. Plus, this week he has pink-eye. Yay.

And I feel like what was the freaking point of doing everything the right way? Which I did. I was responsible, and thoughtful, and all of that shit, and look where I am. I didn't rush in to marriage, I waited until I was both eager for, and able to support a baby before having one. I am careful with my bills and credit, I work in a career that is hard, but fulfilling and not designed to line the pockets of a few old white guys. I recycle. I turn off the lights when I leave a room. I use more tech than most teachers in the district, largely because I hate the idea of all the clear-cuts that go into the paper in our imc.

And yet life keeps handing me rotton lemons this year. I say rotton, because you can't make lemonade out of a disabled husband who broke his hip twice in two months and now cries every time he gets out of a chair. I see no caraf of icy-cold goodness coming from the perenial state budget shortfalls that will, at their best, have me teaching much larger classes, and at the worst have me in the lay-off firing line again.

And I know that others have it way worse. I am so insanely grateful that Pumpkin is happy and healthy (current crustiness aside), and I do still have a job so far.

But I am reaching the breaking point. And it's because of the moaning. Ahiru, who used to be so brave and calm, has gone over the edge. Every single breath comes out as a moan. Every. single. one. Unless of course, there are people around to hear besides the Pumpkin and myself - he works very hard to spare others his new habit, but the two people who live with him hear it for hours at a time.

And when something hurts, he says so, over and over - not just once or twice, but 15 or 20 times, rapidly, before moving on to repetative cussing, repetetive doom-saying, and back to the moaning.

I feel like such a raging bitch, because I do know that it hurts. He's not making it up. But I can't handle hearing about it every waking second. He can't change a diaper without an unbroken stream of complaint. He can't get up, or down, or anything. And when I try to ask him to stop, he won't / can't (I go back and forth depending on my mood), and I am forced into the choice of simply listening to the stressful shit, or nagging.

Which of course starts an argument.

And now, I am bitching to the void of the internet because I am so tired of bitching at home. But this won't make any more difference than my requests to him have made.

So my stress, it's not going down.